dating a separated man

[Maddy]

I need some information, what are the statistics about dating a married man, do they ever leave their wife after separation, what about when they try to reconcile?

I recently found an old boyfriend on facebook, he was separated for 3 years and has an 18 year old child. We quickly went from casual letters to phone calls and emails more than once a day. I was falling in love and he said the same thing. He was coming to visit me, had told his friends and family about me, and his wife. Just before he was to come here his wife said she wanted to give their marriage another chance. He said it wasn't fair to me to come here when there was a chance his marriage was back on. She had kicked him out previously and while he thought the marriage was over from her standpoint he had never made that decision to end it...hence he is trying again with her. It has been almost two months, we are still in touch and it sounds like there are still the same difficulties...what do you think the chances are that the marriage will finally end? I have a feeling that it was never good and this reconciliation period will not work out but I don't want to have false hope. I also don't want to pressure him about it...I know ultimatums are not a good idea. I am thinking of letting him know I can keep in touch for another month but that is all. He does need time to decide, is our correspondence hurting this? We do not talk often, and our emails are not along the same strand they previously were, I just want to keep in touch and am not ready to let him go entirely.

What is your suggestion here, is there a chance he will end the marriage or do I need to push or walk away. He is a wonderful guy, we have always had something very strong between us, and I know we both feel that way but is it enough.

Thanks, Maddy

[Lisa Angelettie]

Hi Maddy. At a conference I went to about two years back, infidelity was a topic of discussion. I can't remember the exact statistics - but they weren't good for couples who got together while one or the other was married when they started dating.

While I hear that your situation wasn't totally this way -- there was full disclosure etc., I think the stats are that way because men or women who tend to only end their current relationship by finding a new one - end up repeating their mistakes. It's better to end the first relationship completely on your own, find closure, and then move on to another relationship.

I'm not sure what the status is now with this relationship, but chances are that if the relationship ends it will not be his doing - it will be his wife's. And you need to ask yourself -- is that how you want to begin a relationship between the two of you?

With the odds against you - I would at least want the man to choose me over his failing relationship. Not wait and see.

[mellissa]

With no experiance what so ever with your situation i would just just give him a choice.
He wants both but can only have one. Wouldnt you rather have him pick you or have him knowing he waited to see if he and his wife could still carry on. even if he picks you you would always know he wanted his marriage to work more than be with you thats why he's still trying with her and not by your side right now.
i would walk away but if depends on how much you like this guy.

[Maddy]

Thanks for your comments, I should reply that I do like this guy but we have not been intimate, we have been in contact via email...we did date years ago. While I would rather he pick me than to try to patch things up with his wife it wasn't as if he had been seeing me in the meantime. He had plans to come here when she stated she wanted to work on their marriage. SHe had left him a few years ago but they were still very much in contact with each other, he had not dated since. So, I can't blame him for picking the marriage over an entirely unknown. At this point we have stayed in touch, their reconciliation hasn't worked out as planned. I think as you said, he needs to be alone and legally separated before we do start anything up again, but I should stress that I do really like him, we seem to be very good for each other, I only can hope that he does see that this non-marriage of his needs to end. His child is now18, she is in university, I think he just needs to get his wife to be independant. I believe that there is an illness involved but I don't ask too much and he offers as we go along. I can see us together very easily but in the meantime the waiting is difficult and sometimes seems futile.

[mellissa]

Well good luck and all the best.