Discouraged & Confuesd

[katharine]

For a little background on my relationship, I have been with this man for five years. I slept with someone else at the beginning, thuogh we weren't an official couple. He didn't like that too much. Then two years ago we were fighting, on the verge of falling apart. I thought he had cheated on me and I ended up having a one night stand with a man one drunken night. Aftre I did that, I quickly realized what I had done was wrong and I knew I loved my boyfriend so much, I was mortified at what I did. Insteda of telling him and risk losing him, I kept it bottled inside as a deep dark secret for two years. July 20th 2009 is the day I finally cracked, and told my boyfriend. He kicked me out, I had to move in with my parents. At the time I lived with him in Florida, now I'm back in my home state of South Carolina. We still talk daily, sometimes I will just listen to him play world of warcraft overthe phone for three hours straight til I fall asleep.
He flew to South Carolina this past weekend to visit friends, but when he was here he said he could have visited any other state, but he chose to fly to South Carolina. I was only meant to spend that Friday night with him, to have dinner and just to ese him. Friday quickly turned into fours days of snuggling, passionate sex, watching tv. All of his time was spent with me intsead of his friends. He says he loves me, that maybe one day we can be together again but it isn't going to be a quick fix. He said I had a lot to prove, and he doesnt know if he can ever look at me in the same light. But he loves me. On other days, it seems to really bother him and he says things that hurt me. I'm states away, trying to prove to him that I love him no matter what he says to hurt me, no matter how hard it gets... I don't want anyone else. He thinks I will forget him once I start working, that I will find some one else. All I can do is cry, try to assure him that I wont. There is no one else for me, but him. I hurt him. I'm trying to fix it, trying to prove that he's all I want in my life, all I think about. I know it's not a sure thing, that we may never get over this, but I have to at least try to fight for him. I can't eat, can't sleep without pills. Every day I wake up it's like I can't breathe, I can't function. He doesnt think I realize how much I hurt him.

[katharine]

blweh

[Lisa Angelettie]

This is a tough one. It takes some people a few weeks or a few years to get past infidelity. I think the fact that you kept it from him for two years is probably the part he is having the most difficulty with. I'm not sure if appreciates the honesty like a woman would. Sometimes people say to themselves "then why did she tell me at all!"

I think the fact that you told after two whole years, does not lead me to believe that you told him for your benefit - but for yours. You could not deal with the guilt, but now you want him to forgive and forget. I'm afraid that's a tall order. I'm not saying you shouldn't have told, but right after would have been the time. Waiting and then telling was not about being in an honest and respectful relationship. It was more about the guilt.

After saying all of that - all you can do is be consistently predictable. Do what you are going say you are going to do. Call regularly. Visit when you can. But DO NOT BUG this man. Allow him the time he needs to process everything and let him come to you when he's ready. Do not push this. Allow it to happen naturally, but be clear about where you are. And by that I mean if u are still in a relationship or is his considering seeing other people etc.

You made a mistake yes, but that doesn't mean you should set yourself up for just "anything".

Best,
girlshrink